On Feedback
As we draw near to the release of The Rescue Project on August 20, we have been thanking God for the many ways He has worked to help us create this meager effort of ours to bring the explosive news of the gospel to others (rescueproject.us).
One of those moments was a number of years ago now at a talk I was invited to give. For many months the Lord had been speaking deeply to me in prayer and study about His Passion and what was happening there. As I prayed with the Scriptures, the Fathers of the Church, and a book that unexpectedly started the whole journey, it was as if I was learning all over again about those most extraordinary events of Holy Week. The talk was one of the first times I tried to synthesize all that the Lord had been speaking to me in prayer and I was eager to share it. When it was over, I ran into a man whom I consider one of the leading voices in the Church today. I asked him for his feedback and he told me that he found the talk to be very inspiring, with many perspectives he had not considered before. He then said one of the most helpful things anyone has ever said to me. “It’s really excellent, but it’s not repeatable. If you want people to be able to remember it and use it to help others, you have to find a way to make it repeatable.”
Now, that is what’s known as “useful feedback.”
One of the reasons his comment stands out to me is that, tragically, we don’t tend to give useful feedback to one another very often. In fact, as I write this, over the past 26 years I can honestly remember three times I received what I consider useful feedback. Three times!
It should be startlingly obvious that we’re all imperfect, that we don’t do or say or teach everything exceptionally well all the time. Whether it’s learning how to golf, teach, publicly speak, parent, govern, or anything else that makes up our daily lives as men and women, we are in need of help from others. Rarely, however, do we receive encouragement or feedback that is actually beneficial.
For example, a priest is standing outside after Mass greeting people as they leave Church. “Great homily, Father,” someone says as he shakes the priest’s hand. That might stroke his ego for the moment and make him feel good, but it’s useless feedback. What was great about it? Another person, who was at the same Mass, sends an anonymous letter saying how terrible the homily was. Again, useless feedback. What was terrible about it?
There is an art to helping one another grow and get better at whatever it is we do, whether that’s in the world of sports, teaching, preaching, making an argument in a courtroom, or just maturing as a young person. Few seem to have the gift for doing this, or maybe few of us actually care enough to do it well. I probably fall into the latter category all too often, if I’m honest. And, yet, all of us say things, or write things, about others or to others. How often is what we say actually helpful to the other? How often is it useless? Of course, the current cultural climate, where we all too often text an emotional tweet or post in reaction to something we read or saw doesn’t help.
This week, let’s make a concerted effort to think before we offer something to another, whether that’s to our son or daughter, a young person on the football team, our husband or wife, a co-worker, our pastor, a parishioner or a friend. Is what I’m about to say actually going to be helpful? Is it being delivered in love? Would I want to hear or read this? If the answer is no to any of these, then we would do well to stay silent or to consider a better way to say or write it.
Finally, thanks to my brother, who shall remain anonymous, for caring enough to offer me that helpful feedback years ago now. I pray that in the things I say and write to others I might imitate your example.
